Ajankohtaista Foorumit Jamaika Jamaican jokes

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  • #29676


    tää on ehkä hauska vaan niille jotka on ollu jamaikan maaseudulla, mut mä ainaki nauroin kippurassa:

    Country Baby Father

    A young Jamaican father-to-be living dung inna country awakened the village doctor in the middle of the night saying “Docta! Docta! Come fas! A mi wife sah! Ar water bruk an shi bout fi av di pikni!”

    The doctor came over and told the father “Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh!” The father obliged, and behold, a baby’s cry was soon heard. The father cried out: “Praise di Laad! A wan boy! Me a de proud faada a wan baby boy!”

    The doctor again told the father, “Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh man!”. The father again complied, and to be sure,another cry was heard.The father excitedly proclaimed: “A wan twin!! Mi get twin baby! Me doubly bless! Glory to Gad!”

    The doctor instructed, “Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh!” Sure enough, a THIRD cry was heard! The father, somewhat subdued, in a nervous tone, muttered, “Oh. Tank Jesus.”

    The doctor repeated, “Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh man!”, and a short while yet a FOURTH cry was heard. The father said nothing, being lost in deep thought.

    The doctor for a fifth time commanded “Hold up di lamp higher man. Hold di lamp higher nuh!” The father then asked; “Doc, yuh tink maybe a di light a attrac dem?”


    Go Get Yuh Madda

    A boy and his father from rural Jamaica were visting America for the first time.

    The first time they went to a mall, they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

    The boy asked, “Ah whaddat, daddy?”

    The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, “Son, mi nevah see nuting so inna my life! Mi nuh know what it is!”

    While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, sexy 19-year-old woman stepped out.

    The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, says quietly to his son, “Bwoy… Go get yuh Madda!”






    A young Jamaican yute, Errol, asks his step-dad for some help. He says, ‘
    Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?’

    His step-father looks up thoughtfully, and says, ‘Mek mi show yuh. Go ask your mother if she
    would sleep with Beres Hammond for one million dollars.
    Next, ask your sister if she would sleep with Beres Hammond for one million dollars. Then go ask your brother
    if him would sleep with Beres Hammond for one million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you find out.’

    The yute is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his stepfather means.

    He asks his mother, ‘Mammy if someone gave you a million dollars would you sleep with Beres Hammond?’
    His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, ‘Don’t tell yuh poopah, but yes, I would.’

    Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her,’Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with
    Beres Hammond?’ His sister looks up and says,

    ‘Cho! Him kinda old still but with the amount a clothes I could buy
    definitely I would give him a grine!’

    Then he goes to his brother’s room and asks him, ‘Eh yow, if someone gave you a million dollars,
    would you sleep with Beres Hammond?’ His brother thinks about it for a minute and says,
    ‘Fyah bun fi dem ting deh but fi a million bucks, I suppose I would. Just one time though’.

    Errol goes back to his stepfather and says, ‘Poopah I believe that I figure it out.
    Potentially, we are sitting on three million dollars, but in reality, we are living with two skettels and one battyman.’


    A Rasta and his Empress are in court getting a divorce. The problem was, who should get custody of the child?

    The Empress jumped up and said, “Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody”

    The judge turns to the dread and says, “What do you have to say in the matter?”

    The Rasta sat for a while contemplating … then slowly rose and said, “Yow … your Honour, If I and I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi come out, a who fa Pepsi … ‘I and I’ or the machine?






    LOL kaikille









    Don’t ramp with dem Jamaicans!

    St. Peter came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, I have to talk to you.

    I have a problem. I know we didn’t have many Jamaicans in heaven so you instituted an affirmative action plan and we are supposed to have 10,000 Jamaicans in heaven.

    But they are causing so many problems! They have torn down the Pearly Gates by swinging on them. They have let in another 10,000 of their bredrin through the fence. They are constantly hanging out by the gate disturbing Angel Gabriel begging for a ‘bly’ for their baby modder, cousin, sistren, neighbor, granny, auntie…

    Whenever it is their turn to watch the gates they keep letting in heavy, good looking women.

    They have stolen my harp. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their white robes. Drum pan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold. Some are walking around with only one wing because they are ‘STYLING’. Angels must have two wings to fly! Some of them have put on chrome wings and are dazzling the other angels when they are flying.

    The white robes are eternal and must be washed five times a day. Some haven’t washed their robes since they arrived because they didn’t come to heaven to ‘slave’.. Some have refused to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven clean because ‘dem ah no helper’. Many who came here because they used salt are still using it because they don’t like ‘ital’ food.

    Some refuse to wear their halos because ‘it will mess up their hairdo’. Some are wearing it backways.

    Others are wearing it with the tags still attached to them. Others have discarded the white halos and are wearing gold ones instead; they claim these are ‘bashy

    Their cellular phones are worn on their robes and keeps ringing during prayers.

    Recently there was an altercation between Adam and one Jamaican who claims he was only ‘checking out’ Eve.

    What should I do?!’

    The Lord said, ‘It wouldn’t be fair to not let Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be here as other nationalities. Maybe we just don’t know how to deal with them and are using the wrong approach. Let’s check with someone who has more experience dealing with them. Let’s call the Devil.’

    The Devil answered the phone and said, ‘Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?’

    The Lord said, ‘We have a problem up here, and we’d like to talk to you about it.’

    The Devil said, ‘Just a minute, I’ve got to put you on hold.’

    The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the phone and said, ‘OK Lord, I’m back. What’s up?’

    The Lord said, I would like to talk to you about a problem up here.’

    Again the Devil excused himself and put the Lord on hold for fifteen minutes this time.

    Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said, ‘Lord, I am really sorry, but I can’t talk to you right now. I have to go. These Jamaicans down here…… I don’t know where they found water, but they have put out the fire and yesterday they even had air conditioning installed, saying ‘man come yah fe chill’.



    One day a Policeman was directing traffic at Half Way Tree and every minute this madman
    run up to him and say,”Officer wha time yu hav.”
    So the police keep running him and say “yu naa go no weh so stop ask mi di

    But the madman keep on coming back so the Police get fed up and say “ah
    2:30″. The madman then say to the …Police “when a 3 O’clock, come suck
    out mi Batty”

    The Police get vex and start run down the madman wid him batten.

    So di the madman lost him round a corner near Missa Chin shop. So the Police
    ask Missa Chin if him see a Madman run pass ya.

    Missa Chin say “no, but a wha him do yu?

    Di Police say, “him no see mi a direct traffic round so and come talk say
    mi fi come suck out im batty when 3 o’clock come”

    Missa Chin look pan him watch and Say

    “But no jus quataa to Three now, Wha happen, yu cyaan wait??”



    A mini bus was enroute to red hills rd from down town Kingston witha Dreadlocks and an old woman as 2 of the passengers sitting beside each other.The woman leaned over by mistake a touch the dread.The dread said to her ‘lady a wah kind a esson (perfume) u a wear? the old day reply by saying “a snow white and the seven… dwarfs” so the dread said “dem deh dwarfs de musi dead to raas”









    Sori, osittain ohi aiheen. Tämä kansainvälinen vitsi oli tänään jamaikalaisessa Gleanerissä. Tai siis vitsi löytyy tästä artikkelista: http://www.jamaica-gleaner.com/gleaner/20101211/life/life1.html

    The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne.

    So true! Proud to be a Finn!



    hah hah mikä artikkeli! :) toisaalta löytäneet paljon kaikkea jännää pikkutietoa ja toisaalta ihan himmeesti asiavirheitä. ehkä tänään joku teki jamaikalla glögiä tuon perusteella! itse keittelin aamulla ison satsin sorrelia.



    LOL ihana keskustelu :)) piristää näin 4am
    and yep finns got it right :D
    tää kans läppä “Orange juice is commonly added to champagne”.. eihän toi oo totta vai onko? t. tänään rutkasti kuoharia juoneena

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